What it was like

When I first started to take a look at my self I learned that I had always

been an alcoholic. From the very beginning as a child I have been an

alcoholic. There has never been a day, that I can recall, that I have not

chased the drink or the effects of the drink. I loved how it made me feel,

the smell of a beer, the look of the bubbles moving up the glass, every-

thing about it. I loved it. It became my all consuming passion.

When you are only five or six years old, you cannot go to the nearest

carryout and get a six pack, so I learned all the tools that any good

alcoholic needs to survive as an alcoholic. I learned to lie, cheat,

steal and con my drinks. It worked so well and I became so good

at it that I carried those tools over into everything else that I did.

I became a liar, a cheat, a thief and a conman, and when that didn't

work I started to gather resentments and anger. I started to become

depressed when things didnt go my way. All those resentments,

all that anger, and that ever deepening depression led me to drink

even more. My whole life began to revolve around drinking. If I wasn't

drinking, I was looking for that drink or I was recovering from the day before.

By the time I was eighteen I was married and in a few years we had a son.

I also quit drinking, or should I say I quit drinking so much, but I did nothing

to change the rest of my life. I only quit drinking (so much). It didn't take

too long before I started to drink too much again. You see, the only relationship

that I ever had was with alcohol. I never learned how to have a relationship

with an actual human being. I never learned the give part of a relationship,

only the take. I thought that as long as I went to work and put food on the table,

put a roof over our heads, and paid the bills that I was being a good father

and husband. I always thought “My wife doesn't understand me”. How wrong

I was. She understood all too well. I was a selfish drunk. So, by the time I was

thirty I was divorced and within a year or so my son quit talking to me.

It wasn't long before I found another drunk to marry and for ten years we

were best drinking buddies. But those of us that have been there know

what it's like when two drunks, filled with anger and resentments, are

in a so-called relationship. This is especially so when neither can figure

out who wants to be the hostage and who wants to be the kidnapper.

Needless to say it was a very unstable marriage. After nine years of this

I started to look for a way out. First I tried to quit drinking, using the O'Douls

method. That didn't work. So I chose to start using drugs. Crack cocaine

seemed to give me what I wanted. I was able to stay awake for days,

sometimes weeks before I passed out. In the end it was

a very volatile relationship. And with that the marriage ended.

And Now The Bottom