Thursday, February 24, 2005
Since my last posting here a few days ago I have been taken to task and was let known that I have hurt my ex's feelings by that posting. Since I hurt her feelings in this public forum it is only right that I apollogize for that here. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, only to release some of my feelings.
I feel the need now to clarify myself.
When we broke up it was NOT on good terms and at that time I had cut myself off from her and any contact with her. When I did re-establish contact it was on her birthday and we have been talking almost daily ever since. Through that whole time I was still in love with her and couldn't imagine life without her in it.
When I went to see her last week it was also to see just what my feelings were because I had not been able to reconcile them without seeing her again. I had to face my feelings and my fears and I could only do that by seeing her in person.
When I said, "There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition." Some of those things were good and some of them were bad but in all they were fantasy and fear. I truly did not know what to expect. Who could? I could only go by my feelings at the time of meeting. Yes, I know that feelings can lie. I had to try and sort things out while they were happening. That is not an easy thing for me to do.
When I said, "For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her." It was because of the situation that she is now in and because of our past together. Again it was because of my fears and lack of understanding. I have a few more reasons that I will not discuss here.
And finally, when I said, "I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all." In truth we know each other only partially. Even with all the talking on the phone and IM's we mostly talk about the mundane and rarely get into any deep conversations like we used to. We were also very clumbsy in our talks with each other while I was there. I wish we would have been able to talk more while I was there but we did not for one reason or another. Although talking about the mundane can give a peek into someones life it doesn't quite let someone all the way in. It's like providing a window with curtains but no door.
I feel the need now to clarify myself.
When we broke up it was NOT on good terms and at that time I had cut myself off from her and any contact with her. When I did re-establish contact it was on her birthday and we have been talking almost daily ever since. Through that whole time I was still in love with her and couldn't imagine life without her in it.
When I went to see her last week it was also to see just what my feelings were because I had not been able to reconcile them without seeing her again. I had to face my feelings and my fears and I could only do that by seeing her in person.
When I said, "There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition." Some of those things were good and some of them were bad but in all they were fantasy and fear. I truly did not know what to expect. Who could? I could only go by my feelings at the time of meeting. Yes, I know that feelings can lie. I had to try and sort things out while they were happening. That is not an easy thing for me to do.
When I said, "For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her." It was because of the situation that she is now in and because of our past together. Again it was because of my fears and lack of understanding. I have a few more reasons that I will not discuss here.
And finally, when I said, "I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all." In truth we know each other only partially. Even with all the talking on the phone and IM's we mostly talk about the mundane and rarely get into any deep conversations like we used to. We were also very clumbsy in our talks with each other while I was there. I wish we would have been able to talk more while I was there but we did not for one reason or another. Although talking about the mundane can give a peek into someones life it doesn't quite let someone all the way in. It's like providing a window with curtains but no door.
Monday, February 21, 2005
I finally went back to Canada last week. I took a few days to face my fears and myself in general.
The biggest fear that I had was that they still wouldn't let me cross the bridge.
I didn't know what to expect when I got to Quebec and my ex's place. There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition. For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her. I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all. I was really glad to get on the road and back home.
I took my dog with me and for the first 4 hours on the road going there she had to see everything. After that she just laid down in the seat for the rest of the trip. On the way back she laid down for the entire 10 hour drive. I do think she had a good time there. She had 3 kids and 3 cats to play with. If you call chasing the cats and getting clawed play. I guess for her it is.
Anyway, I don't know if or when I'll go back. I think the next time I go back to Canada I'm going to check out some more of the country. I would like to go to Newfoundland and more into the interior of Quebec.
The biggest fear that I had was that they still wouldn't let me cross the bridge.
I didn't know what to expect when I got to Quebec and my ex's place. There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition. For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her. I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all. I was really glad to get on the road and back home.
I took my dog with me and for the first 4 hours on the road going there she had to see everything. After that she just laid down in the seat for the rest of the trip. On the way back she laid down for the entire 10 hour drive. I do think she had a good time there. She had 3 kids and 3 cats to play with. If you call chasing the cats and getting clawed play. I guess for her it is.
Anyway, I don't know if or when I'll go back. I think the next time I go back to Canada I'm going to check out some more of the country. I would like to go to Newfoundland and more into the interior of Quebec.
