Friday, March 18, 2005
When I first started this journey of sobriety and being clean of drugs I was faced with making many decisions. Decisions that I did not know how to make properly. I had always re-acted to situations and then only as they came up. I had no plans for my life nor did I know how to get to where-ever it was that I was going. I had no direction. All I knew at the time was that I had to stay sober if I was going to make some sort of life with whatever time I had left on this earth.
Some of the old timers gave me some advice that I still adhere to today. I subject all my decisions to a certain criteria. First, just how important is it? I ask myself that question every time I embark on decision making. If it is important to me then I have to take my time and take a very close look at it. I have to ask myself, does it affect my finances, my personal life, or my relationships? If it affects me in some big way then I have to take an even closer look. All my decisions have to be based on doing the next right thing or doing the best thing. That doesn't always mean that I like having to make the decisions that are the best or the next right thing, but they are the ones that will keep me sane in the end.
Sometimes, when I think something is important, it is only important to me and not to those around me. That usually happens when it is something that is only close to my own heart. Sometimes I write these things down so that I can see my thinking process in making the decisions that I come to, but even then I don't act on them for a few days. Once written down, I quite often put the paper aside for a few days then revisit it later after I have had time to get away from it and take a second look to see if my thinking was flawed. If it was, then I go back through it. If it wasn't, then I take action and carry out that decision. Afterwards I can destroy the paper if I so choose.
Staying sober is a plan of ACTION not re-action. I have to act because if I don't then I am acting exactly the same way as if I was still using drugs or alcohol. Action sometimes takes thinking things out and re-action takes no thought whatsoever. The hardest thing that I ever had to do was to start thinking and acting instead of just re-acting to those things around me. Once I started to do that then my perspective on life became clearer and I started making better decisions. It all took time and in the beginning a lot of hard work. I didn't know how to do many things that normal people do every day. I had to learn and, thankfully, there were people there to help me. I could never have done these things entirely on my own. I had to be taught. Keeping things inside and trying to make decisions on my own would have only mucked things up for me. Luckily I still have people around me to help with the really big decisions and they only help to guide my thinking process and don't tell me what I have to do or only give me their opinion, but instead ask the questions that I have forgotten to ask myself. In this way I learn and come to my own conclusions based on my own life and not theirs.
I hope I have helped someone with this because I have been hearing a lot about this subject from many people lately.
Some of the old timers gave me some advice that I still adhere to today. I subject all my decisions to a certain criteria. First, just how important is it? I ask myself that question every time I embark on decision making. If it is important to me then I have to take my time and take a very close look at it. I have to ask myself, does it affect my finances, my personal life, or my relationships? If it affects me in some big way then I have to take an even closer look. All my decisions have to be based on doing the next right thing or doing the best thing. That doesn't always mean that I like having to make the decisions that are the best or the next right thing, but they are the ones that will keep me sane in the end.
Sometimes, when I think something is important, it is only important to me and not to those around me. That usually happens when it is something that is only close to my own heart. Sometimes I write these things down so that I can see my thinking process in making the decisions that I come to, but even then I don't act on them for a few days. Once written down, I quite often put the paper aside for a few days then revisit it later after I have had time to get away from it and take a second look to see if my thinking was flawed. If it was, then I go back through it. If it wasn't, then I take action and carry out that decision. Afterwards I can destroy the paper if I so choose.
Staying sober is a plan of ACTION not re-action. I have to act because if I don't then I am acting exactly the same way as if I was still using drugs or alcohol. Action sometimes takes thinking things out and re-action takes no thought whatsoever. The hardest thing that I ever had to do was to start thinking and acting instead of just re-acting to those things around me. Once I started to do that then my perspective on life became clearer and I started making better decisions. It all took time and in the beginning a lot of hard work. I didn't know how to do many things that normal people do every day. I had to learn and, thankfully, there were people there to help me. I could never have done these things entirely on my own. I had to be taught. Keeping things inside and trying to make decisions on my own would have only mucked things up for me. Luckily I still have people around me to help with the really big decisions and they only help to guide my thinking process and don't tell me what I have to do or only give me their opinion, but instead ask the questions that I have forgotten to ask myself. In this way I learn and come to my own conclusions based on my own life and not theirs.
I hope I have helped someone with this because I have been hearing a lot about this subject from many people lately.
Monday, March 07, 2005
I was talking with a friend of mine last night and we were discussing how we alcoholics and drug addicts wear our emotions right out where others can hurt us all the time when we are first sober. I bet it took me 5 years to finally get that under control. I remember some old timer telling me I had to grow a skin. I thought he was nuts, but thats exactly what it took.
To get that skin to grow, I first had to get rid of all those things that had been bothering me. That's also known as a fourth and fifth step. I had to find out the root causes of all my pain if I were to deal with them. Once I had the root causes established I could then work on improving my life and with that came the growing of that skin.
They also told me that I could not "think my way into a better way of living, I had to live my way into a better way of thinking." They also told me if I didn't know what that was, I should just ask someone that was living the way that I wanted to live. They also told me that no matter what, I should just keep doing the next right thing and that if I didn't know what that was that, again, I should just ask someone and they would help me to work that out too.
Although I can still be hurt, I don't get hurt at the least little thing anymore. My hurts are mostly legitimate now and not just perceived. My hurts don't last nearly as long now because I actually work on releasing that hurt and pain. I don't ever want to go back to where I was and that means always working on those pains and hurts so that I don't build up any more resentments. They say that resentments are the number one killer of us alcoholics and drug addicts and I have no want to commit suicide. That's exactly what it would be too, if I let those things run my life.
To get that skin to grow, I first had to get rid of all those things that had been bothering me. That's also known as a fourth and fifth step. I had to find out the root causes of all my pain if I were to deal with them. Once I had the root causes established I could then work on improving my life and with that came the growing of that skin.
They also told me that I could not "think my way into a better way of living, I had to live my way into a better way of thinking." They also told me if I didn't know what that was, I should just ask someone that was living the way that I wanted to live. They also told me that no matter what, I should just keep doing the next right thing and that if I didn't know what that was that, again, I should just ask someone and they would help me to work that out too.
Although I can still be hurt, I don't get hurt at the least little thing anymore. My hurts are mostly legitimate now and not just perceived. My hurts don't last nearly as long now because I actually work on releasing that hurt and pain. I don't ever want to go back to where I was and that means always working on those pains and hurts so that I don't build up any more resentments. They say that resentments are the number one killer of us alcoholics and drug addicts and I have no want to commit suicide. That's exactly what it would be too, if I let those things run my life.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
This has been one of the longest weeks of my life, I think. If something couldgo wrong it did. And all the days were long.
I haven't been getting enough sleep. Most days I've been up before 5 A.M. and this morning it was 3.
I think it's the winter that is really starting to get to me. I've been cooped up in the house most of the time, except when I have to drive somewhere in the snow and ice.
Today is rather pretty outside so I think my dog and I will go for a walk.
I don't know if it's the weather or me just changing, but I think I'm going to get out of the computer business. While I love working on them and playing with them it's just not much fun anymore. I spend 10 to 12 hours a day working on other peoples pc's.
The things that I really like to do like writing and website design have taken a backseat lately.
I think that I'm going to start writing down some of my thoughts and experiences in this blogspace as time goes by. There are a few things that I think I should pass on to others. They were given to me freely by the ones who came before me and I have found them to be quite usefull in my daily life. They help to keep me sane. So starting tomorrow i think that is what I'll do.
I haven't been getting enough sleep. Most days I've been up before 5 A.M. and this morning it was 3.
I think it's the winter that is really starting to get to me. I've been cooped up in the house most of the time, except when I have to drive somewhere in the snow and ice.
Today is rather pretty outside so I think my dog and I will go for a walk.
I don't know if it's the weather or me just changing, but I think I'm going to get out of the computer business. While I love working on them and playing with them it's just not much fun anymore. I spend 10 to 12 hours a day working on other peoples pc's.
The things that I really like to do like writing and website design have taken a backseat lately.
I think that I'm going to start writing down some of my thoughts and experiences in this blogspace as time goes by. There are a few things that I think I should pass on to others. They were given to me freely by the ones who came before me and I have found them to be quite usefull in my daily life. They help to keep me sane. So starting tomorrow i think that is what I'll do.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Since my last posting here a few days ago I have been taken to task and was let known that I have hurt my ex's feelings by that posting. Since I hurt her feelings in this public forum it is only right that I apollogize for that here. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, only to release some of my feelings.
I feel the need now to clarify myself.
When we broke up it was NOT on good terms and at that time I had cut myself off from her and any contact with her. When I did re-establish contact it was on her birthday and we have been talking almost daily ever since. Through that whole time I was still in love with her and couldn't imagine life without her in it.
When I went to see her last week it was also to see just what my feelings were because I had not been able to reconcile them without seeing her again. I had to face my feelings and my fears and I could only do that by seeing her in person.
When I said, "There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition." Some of those things were good and some of them were bad but in all they were fantasy and fear. I truly did not know what to expect. Who could? I could only go by my feelings at the time of meeting. Yes, I know that feelings can lie. I had to try and sort things out while they were happening. That is not an easy thing for me to do.
When I said, "For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her." It was because of the situation that she is now in and because of our past together. Again it was because of my fears and lack of understanding. I have a few more reasons that I will not discuss here.
And finally, when I said, "I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all." In truth we know each other only partially. Even with all the talking on the phone and IM's we mostly talk about the mundane and rarely get into any deep conversations like we used to. We were also very clumbsy in our talks with each other while I was there. I wish we would have been able to talk more while I was there but we did not for one reason or another. Although talking about the mundane can give a peek into someones life it doesn't quite let someone all the way in. It's like providing a window with curtains but no door.
I feel the need now to clarify myself.
When we broke up it was NOT on good terms and at that time I had cut myself off from her and any contact with her. When I did re-establish contact it was on her birthday and we have been talking almost daily ever since. Through that whole time I was still in love with her and couldn't imagine life without her in it.
When I went to see her last week it was also to see just what my feelings were because I had not been able to reconcile them without seeing her again. I had to face my feelings and my fears and I could only do that by seeing her in person.
When I said, "There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition." Some of those things were good and some of them were bad but in all they were fantasy and fear. I truly did not know what to expect. Who could? I could only go by my feelings at the time of meeting. Yes, I know that feelings can lie. I had to try and sort things out while they were happening. That is not an easy thing for me to do.
When I said, "For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her." It was because of the situation that she is now in and because of our past together. Again it was because of my fears and lack of understanding. I have a few more reasons that I will not discuss here.
And finally, when I said, "I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all." In truth we know each other only partially. Even with all the talking on the phone and IM's we mostly talk about the mundane and rarely get into any deep conversations like we used to. We were also very clumbsy in our talks with each other while I was there. I wish we would have been able to talk more while I was there but we did not for one reason or another. Although talking about the mundane can give a peek into someones life it doesn't quite let someone all the way in. It's like providing a window with curtains but no door.
Monday, February 21, 2005
I finally went back to Canada last week. I took a few days to face my fears and myself in general.
The biggest fear that I had was that they still wouldn't let me cross the bridge.
I didn't know what to expect when I got to Quebec and my ex's place. There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition. For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her. I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all. I was really glad to get on the road and back home.
I took my dog with me and for the first 4 hours on the road going there she had to see everything. After that she just laid down in the seat for the rest of the trip. On the way back she laid down for the entire 10 hour drive. I do think she had a good time there. She had 3 kids and 3 cats to play with. If you call chasing the cats and getting clawed play. I guess for her it is.
Anyway, I don't know if or when I'll go back. I think the next time I go back to Canada I'm going to check out some more of the country. I would like to go to Newfoundland and more into the interior of Quebec.
The biggest fear that I had was that they still wouldn't let me cross the bridge.
I didn't know what to expect when I got to Quebec and my ex's place. There were so many things going through my head and not one of them actually came to fruition. For the first time since I have known her I didn't feel comfortable at all around her. I managed to stay for a few days and I felt as though we didn't know each other at all. I was really glad to get on the road and back home.
I took my dog with me and for the first 4 hours on the road going there she had to see everything. After that she just laid down in the seat for the rest of the trip. On the way back she laid down for the entire 10 hour drive. I do think she had a good time there. She had 3 kids and 3 cats to play with. If you call chasing the cats and getting clawed play. I guess for her it is.
Anyway, I don't know if or when I'll go back. I think the next time I go back to Canada I'm going to check out some more of the country. I would like to go to Newfoundland and more into the interior of Quebec.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
This has been a busier than normal January. Usually the computer repair business is just about dead through this month but, I have had nearly one job a day since the first.
I really wanted to get up to Canada this month but it doesn't look like that's possible so, maybe in February. I'm hoping I can becaus C.J. has his birthday on the seventeenth and I want to be there for that.
I have really gotten into playing on Neopets lately too, in my spare or off times. If you ever go there and start playing, look me up. I'm still dshadowbear there too and I belong to the Spirit of Friendship Guild. Stop by and play a while and say hello.
I really wanted to get up to Canada this month but it doesn't look like that's possible so, maybe in February. I'm hoping I can becaus C.J. has his birthday on the seventeenth and I want to be there for that.
I have really gotten into playing on Neopets lately too, in my spare or off times. If you ever go there and start playing, look me up. I'm still dshadowbear there too and I belong to the Spirit of Friendship Guild. Stop by and play a while and say hello.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Happy New Year!!!
I certainly hope that this year is better than the last one.
I never did make it to Canada over Christmas as he weather was so bad, but the dog and I had agood quiet day for a change. No-one called or came over and we didn't go anywhere. So it was a nice peaceful day. Well, almost no-one called. I got a call from the boys in Canada and talked to them for a few minutes and to my ex-fiance. So that did make my day complete.
I haven't been doing to much around here for the past week except play on neopets. A 54 year old man playing on neopets. What a dork, but it is time consuming and I sorta like it. Whenever I play RTS games or SIM games I always take a trader or shop keeper so I do like this stuff. Plus you get to play other games as well as battle and gamble.
I'm hoping that I might make it to Canada sometime this month, but this is a bad month to do that. All my taxes are due and I have to get the dog her license to be a dog as well as get her to the vet for check-ups and shots. Oh well, all I can do is to try and maybe I'll make it.
I certainly hope that this year is better than the last one.
I never did make it to Canada over Christmas as he weather was so bad, but the dog and I had agood quiet day for a change. No-one called or came over and we didn't go anywhere. So it was a nice peaceful day. Well, almost no-one called. I got a call from the boys in Canada and talked to them for a few minutes and to my ex-fiance. So that did make my day complete.
I haven't been doing to much around here for the past week except play on neopets. A 54 year old man playing on neopets. What a dork, but it is time consuming and I sorta like it. Whenever I play RTS games or SIM games I always take a trader or shop keeper so I do like this stuff. Plus you get to play other games as well as battle and gamble.
I'm hoping that I might make it to Canada sometime this month, but this is a bad month to do that. All my taxes are due and I have to get the dog her license to be a dog as well as get her to the vet for check-ups and shots. Oh well, all I can do is to try and maybe I'll make it.
